The Road Less Travelled: Love

M. Scott Peck’s ‘The Road Less Travelled’ was gifted to me back in September 2019. I was asked what I felt about the book and I had promised to ‘blog’ my takeaways. I did start but never got anywhere then. Now, sitting in March 2022, and seeking some answers , maybe it is just a chance of fate that I picked the book again quite unconsciously and jumped to the section on ‘Love’.

I did always believe that love cannot be defined, it’s too wide and deep an emotion that cannot be put into a single expression or deed. Scott Peck defines ‘love’ as “ The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth” and I cannot help but agree!

The process of extending oneself for the sake of the self or the other takes a person to higher levels beyond his defined limits and so loving is an act of self evolution.

Love is an act of will because one exerts his choice to love for the sake of spiritual growth.

‘Falling in love’ is perhaps misunderstood as true love, when it is actually an infatuation for the other gender and is usually short lived. The initial attraction fades out sooner or later. Ego boundaries also play a role in certain cases where the individual because of some unpleasant past experiences find the world outside their domain to be dangerous or confusing and prefers to continue in their own lonely world. They may find temporary solace falling in love with another individual while permitting their ego to merge with the other. But slowly the ego boundaries make a come back due to various factors, daily hassles or individual responsibilities and these individuals fall out of love. Falling in love is not an act of will. It is not a conscious choice. Falling in love is not an extension of one’s limits or boundaries; it is a temporary collapse of them. The extension of one’s limits requires effort; falling in love is effortless. Real love is a permanently self enlarging experience. Falling in love is not.

There is also this other state when an individual thinks he/she cannot survive without the other. When you require another individual for your survival, you are a parasite on that individual. There is no choice, no freedom involved in your relationship. It is a matter of necessity rather than love. Love is the exercise of free exercise of choice. Most of us seek some attention, some pampering, some desire to be cared for and this is all but natural. This, to a certain limit, is healthy however if the dependency on the other goes beyond a certain limit, this means something is not in place. Passive dependent people are so busy seeking to be loved that they have no energy left to love.

Dependent people are interested in their own nourishment, but no more; they desire filling, they desire to be happy; they don’t desire to grow, nor are they willing to tolerate the unhappiness, the loneliness, and suffering involved in growth. Neither do dependent people care about the spiritual growth of the other.

Just as spiritual development of the self and the other is important, so is commitment to the other. Genuine love implies commitment and the exercise of wisdom. When we are concerned for someone’s spiritual growth, we know that a lack of commitment is likely to be harmful and commitment to that person is probably necessary to manifest our concern effectively. True love is not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed. It is a committed, thoughtful decision.

Anyone who is truly concerned for the spiritual growth of another knows, consciously or instinctively, that he or she can significantly foster that growth only through a relationship of constancy.

Individuals may run away from commitment because they may not have any understanding of the same. They might have missed experiencing the same in their childhood. It’s not easy to change one’s world view and risking commitment as this involves changing the self.

Love is a form of work or a form of courage. If an act is not one of work or courage, then it is not an act of love. If we love another, we give him attention and we care for his growth just as we would do for ourselves. It is a conscious effort to focus and prioritise. Other activities need not be neglected but dedicated effort and attention must be paid to the object of love.

One of the important tools of paying attention is listening, and this is possible only when there is will to do it! True listening, total concentration on the other, is always a manifestation of love. True listening involves setting aside of the self, acceptance of the other, appreciating each other and willing to extend oneself for the sake of mutual growth.

Effort is important and effort comes from non-laziness. Since love is work, the essence of nonlove is laziness. The effort to change, to do things differently does not come easy to all.

Risk taking is another aspect, the greater the risks we take, greater the benefits. When we don’t take risks, we devoid ourselves from many possibilities.

Confrontation is equally important for spiritual growth though there is a risk of sounding arrogant or superior. However, genuine love should recognise and respect the individuality and out of genuine concern for the other confront the other where needed.

And while genuine love is about growth of the individual and the other, it also means recognising the separateness.

Love is everywhere, I see it.

You are all that you can be, go on and be it.

Life is perfect, I believe it.

Come and play the game with me.

John Denver