On Being Single…
Deepika Bhardwaj, an activist cum social media influencer, tweeted recently about being ‘single’.
Besides her first name, I too share the same marital status as her’s at this point in time, but I don’t necessarily agree with her on everything.
However the comments and the quotes on her tweet made me ponder; many readers emphasised and agreed with her, while many more labelled her as an agent of breaking family. Both were extreme views and expressed by those who I felt haven’t experienced the complications and challenges life brings.
Though it is wonderful to be “debt free”, “loan free” I do not fully agree with Deepika B’s “coming so late”, “who are u going out with” free mantra. There are boundaries and limitations that must be taken care of, and anyone who thinks he or she is not questionable, is already walking the wrong path. This advise can have disastrous impact on young women and men, who can easily be misled and be strayed into unknown territories.
In any relationship, the level of commitment is important just as the level of love and trust. Without boundaries and without duties, one may get totally disoriented and end up in places and situations where he or she shouldn’t have, and from where it may be difficult to come out leading to mental and other agonies. A lot of our mental health depends on the love, care and trust that we give and receive from our near and dear ones. Family engagements and duties help people not falling into the trap of depression or trauma.
There are many groups and folks who are vehemently working towards breaking families, promoting ‘independent’ living without a bother about the consequences of the same in the long run. I do not know if Deepika B is one such however the extreme comments I felt were uncalled for, specially by people who may not have an iota of knowledge about her life, her present or her past.
I also do not agree with the people who think that an unmarried life is incomplete or that an unmarried person is unworthy of love and family, or do not understand the nuances of family life, attachment, bond etc. I see around me some so called “activists” who though rightly speaking about family value system and for the protection of the same, are totally unempathetic towards those who do not have a family in the usual sense of the term and seem to judge and name call. For them, the ones who are not married are “incomplete” in some sense. Is it their pride or their half baked interpretations?
The same people who call Deepika B an agent of breaking families, perhaps also overlook the fact that she has been fighting for men’s rights in India. From the little that I have read her, I have come to know that just like many women are persecuted by their husbands and in-laws, there are many men too who face similar or worse situations. In fact the law seems to be favouring women, so that many husbands are totally living in fear and are helpless. I have personally known such cases so Deepika B’s testimony is not all wrong. Whatever happened to the institution of marriage here? And we have a “single” woman fighting for the rights of “harassed” husbands! Where the ones who do virtue signalling, what are they doing for the society?
Many women suffer due to dowry cases, and I have known someone who died from burning — we never could find out whether she ended her life or whether it was the work of her in laws. I have known someone who ended her life because she was childless — whether she was depressed or was shamed by her family is not known to me. A colleague of mine committed suicide about 15 years back which shocked our entire group as she was such a happy-go-lucky smiling person. Personally it shocked me more as she had sent me a message the same morning asking if I was doing okay. What happened to the institution of marriage here?
A distant cousin of mine passed away recently in a care home. Married many years back, her husband passed away few years after her marriage and the in-laws disowned her. She could not be accommodated by her two real sisters, though they would visit her and were in constant touch all these years and also provided the financial support. Did she not value marriage and family, did she deserve to spend her life among strangers, what did the society prove by making her feel like she’s responsible for her fate?
Not unknown to many is the case of widows of Varanasi; young women left by their “families” and who spend the rest of their lives away from their own families. Isn’t this a blot on society?
Many well-to-do people leave their parents in old age homes, many travel to different cities to earn their livelihood and forget about their families, forget the very parents who brought them up. Have these children failed their duties or have their parents not passed on enough values to the children or are these situations mere circumstantial?
There are men and women who both cheat their spouses, there are many women who kill their own children for some selfish reason, there are couples who separate weeks after their marriage for multiple reasons so are all married people “pious” ?
There are many who advise women to be homemakers, and not be ambitious and run after job and career, but to have a blanket rule applicable for all doesn’t deserve any credit. To be financially independent is as important as having a family, only the balance needs to be worked out. It is important to have the mother and the immediate family take care of the child in her growing years and not leave the responsibility to maids and caretakers however one cannot be judgemental here again. Just as the career woman should not be demeaned, a home maker shouldn’t be demeaned too without knowing about her situation. A colleague's husband recently had to quit his job due to some illness and so she has to take care of the financial needs of the family while the husband is taking care of the child in his own capacity. Someone else on social media who spoke against working women was recently discovered to be a successful career women who happened to leave her two month old with her in-laws for an overseas job!
There are pros and cons everywhere, there are compromises and adjustments everywhere, each person and his circumstance is different, whether married or single and situations change overnight. To demean someone on his/her ‘single’, ‘widowed’, ‘divorced’, ‘child-less’ status without having walked their shoes is a sign of immaturity in some, and arrogance in some others. What these people do for their extended families, for the society and for the fellow human being is equally important.
Marriage is a beautiful institution, some strive to keep it beautiful, some fail, some also take it for granted but those who are lucky enough should feel blessed because it does not also work for some who truly believe in this institution. There are married people who have ruined it all and then there are singles who dedicate their entire life for the society.
Who gets to judge? Who gets to do virtue-signalling?
